Holding Doors

I am a perennial door opener. I think this comes from the same Southern/Military manners of calling all strangers, new acquaintances, and any folks more than 15 year older than I Mr./Ms./Professional Title-Last Name. Family members outside the "nuclear" unit are Familial Title-First Name. It's a matter of courtesy and respect.

Similarly, as a matter of sheer courtesy and respect, if I reach a door and there is someone close behind me, I open the door and hold it for those behind. Likewise, if I am exciting a door and someone is approaching to enter, I hold the door. I don't think twice about it. I don't race or hustle past others to be the first to the door, but if I happen to be there first, opening and holding doors is a polite acknowledgment that there are other people in the world going about their daily business. When faced with the double-door situation, it seems to only make sense that if I reach the first door first, I hold it for those behind me. Thus, they will likely reach the second door first, in which case I happily enter through that door being held for me. This particular circumstance is similar to the unspoken codes in Chicago: when ascending or descending a busy staircase in an El station, one stays to the right; when approaching others on a sidewalk, again, you move to the right. In big cities, this is simply the best way to keep everyone moving in crowded shared spaces. It's polite, its efficient, it's an "I see you" moment in a world in which we move so quickly we sometimes fail to recognize "I" am not the only person who needs to move about.

In my experience, men, particularly heterosexual men, seem to be taken aback and have their entire narrative disrupted by my door opening/holding. I notice three basic reactions when I open and hold doors for men:

1. The I'm Confused and Don't Know How to React Reaction - Especially when I am with men I know, I reach to open the door and they stop in their tracks, give me a curious and startled look, and enter through the door with a very pronounced, "Why Thank You!"

2. The Reach Around Reaction - Whether with strangers or those familiar to me, after I have opened the door, men, rather then just walk through the door, will reach around behind me to take over the job of door opening/holding to allow me to enter first. This is usually accompanied by a quick, "No! No! You go ahead!" from the Reach Around Men.

3. The Reach Over Reaction - I find this reaction the most peculiar. I am approaching to exit a door, there is a man behind me. I open the door and hold for the man behind. He reaches up over my head to place a firm hold on the door, and I have to duck my head a bit to exit underneath the man's arm.

I'm not particularly incensed or annoyed when men react in these ways. Ultimately, I know these men are (for the most part) extending the same common courtesy I have offered. However, it's also quite clear that men are not accustomed to women opening and holding doors. In the great land of gendered manners, men hold doors as a sign of chivalry and courtesy to women or gentile politeness to one another. Yet, every time I hear that loud "Why Thank You!" or duck my head to slide beneath a man-arm, I find myself entertained by all the subtle and unconscious ways gender influences our physical interactions in public space.

Too Tired to Title - Updates

So, the fundraiser on OSCAR NIGHT went well. We had a bigger turn out than last year, which is great since we have completely changed up the event. Next year I predict an even better night... especially since I will be certain to consult the Award Season Schedule before confirming a date! The Burlesque ladies & gentlemen were just lovely (and flaming pasties were involved!). My dear friend Twig was the very definition of "gender queer" in his performance (according to our Board members in attendance). And a few Wealthy Gays of My City even made it out for the first part of the evening!

I met on Wednesday, per usual, with my mentoree young woman (5th grade). She brought along her friend. They were wrapping up Black History Month with a special play that afternoon, and my mentoree had mentioned how much she loves the "I Have A Dream" speech, so I brought a recording in for her. We all ate our corn-dogs or french toast sticks ("breakfast for lunch is weird, but corn-dogs are nasty," as I was told) and listened to the short clip. After the clip, the young women were talking about "respect" and how important it is to respect people. They ended up on the topic of violence, and I brought up Rihanna/Chris Brown. Immediately both girls jumped in telling me that "Chris Brown just got tired of Rihanna hitting him all the time, and he HAD to defend himself, he had NO choice." I was a little taken aback.

I asked them how they thought Martin Luther King, Jr. would have responded to the situation. They told me that, "of course," MLK would make the two people sit down and talk to work out their problems, that MLK believe in "non-violence and would never hit anybody who tried to put him down." In the same breath, they told me that Chris Brown "loves Rhianna with all his heart [little girl hands crossed over the heart] and would DIE For her if he had to, but he HAD to defend himself." I didn't know what to say. I'm not sure I know what to say going into lunch this week.

Lady Friend suggested quoting Ghandi, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind," and asking the young women at what point the hitting has to stop. This may be the best strategy.

I understand that my white-middle-class-feminist lives in an entirely different world than these girls. As Sister-Friend reminded me, these young women do live in a world where defending black men against assaults by the press and popular opinion of white-folks has a long (and necessary) tradition. At the same time, it made my heart hurt a little to know they think that it is defensiable for anyone, male or female, to beat their intimate partner so severly. I guess that as I watched this entire situation unfold in the press, I assumed that all kinds of young women would jump to the defense of Rihanna... I guess I'm wrong about that assumption. I look forward to hearing more about the world from these young women.