I've Got Tits, Yes I Do, I've Got Tits, How 'Bout You?

In my family, we have serious tits. And I don't mean 100 lb frame perky A-cup "demi" breasts. We have good, Italian DD+ cup tits that runnith over. Many women fear the Spring time bathing suit hunt. The ladies in my family fear the, "Damn. There's no denying it. I need a new bra" hunt.

It would be lovely to buy cute, frilly bras from Victoria's Secret or even the "intimate apparel" section of the local Macy's. Alas, our tits need more than two triangular pieces of fabric. Our tits need a heavy-duty battle gear.

Women who have tits know the trials and tribulations. It is not pretty: quadra-boob when cups size is too small, tits that ooze out the side of the bra so you can't keep your arms close to your sides, back bands that ride up into your shoulder blades, underwire the stab your tits or armpits, straps that either dig into your shoulders or constantly slide down your arms. And lets be honest here, when your tits are bigger than a C cup, they don't stay perky all that long. Hit about 21 and gravity takes its effect. Lets not even begin to mention that the hip mama's in our family breast-feed until the cows come home.. I mean, until the babies learn to roller skate. By the end of the day, your DD-cup tits have about as much support as Barack Obama in Stone Mountain, Georgia.

When ladies with tits DO find a "comfortable, supportive, and beautifully shaping" bra in the Granny Pantie section at JC Pennies, it is, shall we say, less than sexy. These Real Bras for Real Tits come in exactly three colors (black, white, and tan) and exactly two styles (polyester or "embroidered" polyester). There is no black lace over pink satin here. By the time a pair of real tits finds a real bra, style IS the last concern.

However, ladies with tits (and the ladies and gentlemen who love them) I think I have found the solution. SOMA INTIMATES (www.soma.com). Now, the Soma bras are not exactly the frilly Vicky's Secret hot and sexy lingerie. But, realistically, at the end of the day for women with tits, frilly lingerie only spends about 10 minutes on the body, the other 75 being spent on the floor (approximately 22 minutes for heterosexual women's undergarments). I digress... The bras at Soma appear almost too good to be true. The "Elena" boasts side-slings and a "budge-proof" silicone-lined bottom band. The Ashley- hidden-slings and "plush padded underwire." All this for $40 or less. Could this be too good to be true?

Ladies of my clan (who are the only ones who actually read this blog): they have stores nearby to Kansas City, one in Jacksonville, and one in Charlotte. I challenge you all to go try these seemingly perfect bras and report back. Have we found the perfect bra for our perfect tits?? You tell me!

Bood (And Why A Simple Test is a Major Hassle)

As many folks know, the sister closest in age to me, we'll call her Tallula, has FSGS, an idiopathic kidney disease. She is rapidly heading toward ERD (end-stage renal disease) or total kidney failure. She needs a transplant. Both my parents and there first three live birth children are A+ blood type. They always assumed Tallula and I were also A+. When this saga began, we found out Tallula is O- blood type. Thus, we need to figure out what blood type I am to see if I'm even in the running to be a live kidney donor. An immediate biological family member is usually the best match for organ donation. And here is where my hassle for something so simple has begun...

First, I called the Mayo Clinic where my sister is being treated. They will not type my blood until my sister is official in kidney failure and on the donor list. Obviously, our family is starting the donor search as soon as possible, even though ERD might not happen for weeks, months, or (unlikely) years. Mayo Clinic suggested I call my family doctor or donate blood to a blood back, because when you donate blood they type you.

I am not eligible to donate blood because of recent tattoos.

My family doctor (who is the most marvelous doctor ever), wrote out the orders to have my blood typed. However, she warned me that many insurance providers do not cover this test, as it is rather expensive and usually seen as "unnecessary." She suggested I check with my insurance provider.

I called my insurance provider, and the customer service agent, while lovely, had no idea what "blood typing" even meant or how to check to see if it is covered. I explained, briefly. She found one result in her computer called "TYPING ABO." I told her this is probably what I want. Apparently the main "coding" 86900 is covered by my insurance. But TYPING ABO can also have the modifier coding 86900-26, and this is not covered. She couldn't tell me the difference. She suggested I simply go to the Mayo Clinic and have them type my blood.

I told the insurance customer service agent the Mayo Clinic told me to call me doctor who told me to call the insurance.

It seems very simple: draw my blood, type it. A family member's life is on the line. As for immediate family members, I'm the last option. Type my damn blood. Pay the damn $300+ dollars. In the world of managed care, apparently no one is quite sure if someone else's life is word $300.

London Calling

JD: I read in the newspaper here that gasoline in the States is up over $3.50 per gallon and getting even more expensive. Why aren't people rioting over there?

Me: Because we would have to fill up our tanks to drive to the riot, and we can't afford it.