I am a perennial door opener. I think this comes from the same Southern/Military manners of calling all strangers, new acquaintances, and any folks more than 15 year older than I Mr./Ms./Professional Title-Last Name. Family members outside the "nuclear" unit are Familial Title-First Name. It's a matter of courtesy and respect.
Similarly, as a matter of sheer courtesy and respect, if I reach a door and there is someone close behind me, I open the door and hold it for those behind. Likewise, if I am exciting a door and someone is approaching to enter, I hold the door. I don't think twice about it. I don't race or hustle past others to be the first to the door, but if I happen to be there first, opening and holding doors is a polite acknowledgment that there are other people in the world going about their daily business. When faced with the double-door situation, it seems to only make sense that if I reach the first door first, I hold it for those behind me. Thus, they will likely reach the second door first, in which case I happily enter through that door being held for me. This particular circumstance is similar to the unspoken codes in Chicago: when ascending or descending a busy staircase in an El station, one stays to the right; when approaching others on a sidewalk, again, you move to the right. In big cities, this is simply the best way to keep everyone moving in crowded shared spaces. It's polite, its efficient, it's an "I see you" moment in a world in which we move so quickly we sometimes fail to recognize "I" am not the only person who needs to move about.
In my experience, men, particularly heterosexual men, seem to be taken aback and have their entire narrative disrupted by my door opening/holding. I notice three basic reactions when I open and hold doors for men:
1. The I'm Confused and Don't Know How to React Reaction - Especially when I am with men I know, I reach to open the door and they stop in their tracks, give me a curious and startled look, and enter through the door with a very pronounced, "Why Thank You!"
2. The Reach Around Reaction - Whether with strangers or those familiar to me, after I have opened the door, men, rather then just walk through the door, will reach around behind me to take over the job of door opening/holding to allow me to enter first. This is usually accompanied by a quick, "No! No! You go ahead!" from the Reach Around Men.
3. The Reach Over Reaction - I find this reaction the most peculiar. I am approaching to exit a door, there is a man behind me. I open the door and hold for the man behind. He reaches up over my head to place a firm hold on the door, and I have to duck my head a bit to exit underneath the man's arm.
I'm not particularly incensed or annoyed when men react in these ways. Ultimately, I know these men are (for the most part) extending the same common courtesy I have offered. However, it's also quite clear that men are not accustomed to women opening and holding doors. In the great land of gendered manners, men hold doors as a sign of chivalry and courtesy to women or gentile politeness to one another. Yet, every time I hear that loud "Why Thank You!" or duck my head to slide beneath a man-arm, I find myself entertained by all the subtle and unconscious ways gender influences our physical interactions in public space.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Too Tired to Title - Updates
So, the fundraiser on OSCAR NIGHT went well. We had a bigger turn out than last year, which is great since we have completely changed up the event. Next year I predict an even better night... especially since I will be certain to consult the Award Season Schedule before confirming a date! The Burlesque ladies & gentlemen were just lovely (and flaming pasties were involved!). My dear friend Twig was the very definition of "gender queer" in his performance (according to our Board members in attendance). And a few Wealthy Gays of My City even made it out for the first part of the evening!
I met on Wednesday, per usual, with my mentoree young woman (5th grade). She brought along her friend. They were wrapping up Black History Month with a special play that afternoon, and my mentoree had mentioned how much she loves the "I Have A Dream" speech, so I brought a recording in for her. We all ate our corn-dogs or french toast sticks ("breakfast for lunch is weird, but corn-dogs are nasty," as I was told) and listened to the short clip. After the clip, the young women were talking about "respect" and how important it is to respect people. They ended up on the topic of violence, and I brought up Rihanna/Chris Brown. Immediately both girls jumped in telling me that "Chris Brown just got tired of Rihanna hitting him all the time, and he HAD to defend himself, he had NO choice." I was a little taken aback.
I asked them how they thought Martin Luther King, Jr. would have responded to the situation. They told me that, "of course," MLK would make the two people sit down and talk to work out their problems, that MLK believe in "non-violence and would never hit anybody who tried to put him down." In the same breath, they told me that Chris Brown "loves Rhianna with all his heart [little girl hands crossed over the heart] and would DIE For her if he had to, but he HAD to defend himself." I didn't know what to say. I'm not sure I know what to say going into lunch this week.
Lady Friend suggested quoting Ghandi, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind," and asking the young women at what point the hitting has to stop. This may be the best strategy.
I understand that my white-middle-class-feminist lives in an entirely different world than these girls. As Sister-Friend reminded me, these young women do live in a world where defending black men against assaults by the press and popular opinion of white-folks has a long (and necessary) tradition. At the same time, it made my heart hurt a little to know they think that it is defensiable for anyone, male or female, to beat their intimate partner so severly. I guess that as I watched this entire situation unfold in the press, I assumed that all kinds of young women would jump to the defense of Rihanna... I guess I'm wrong about that assumption. I look forward to hearing more about the world from these young women.
I met on Wednesday, per usual, with my mentoree young woman (5th grade). She brought along her friend. They were wrapping up Black History Month with a special play that afternoon, and my mentoree had mentioned how much she loves the "I Have A Dream" speech, so I brought a recording in for her. We all ate our corn-dogs or french toast sticks ("breakfast for lunch is weird, but corn-dogs are nasty," as I was told) and listened to the short clip. After the clip, the young women were talking about "respect" and how important it is to respect people. They ended up on the topic of violence, and I brought up Rihanna/Chris Brown. Immediately both girls jumped in telling me that "Chris Brown just got tired of Rihanna hitting him all the time, and he HAD to defend himself, he had NO choice." I was a little taken aback.
I asked them how they thought Martin Luther King, Jr. would have responded to the situation. They told me that, "of course," MLK would make the two people sit down and talk to work out their problems, that MLK believe in "non-violence and would never hit anybody who tried to put him down." In the same breath, they told me that Chris Brown "loves Rhianna with all his heart [little girl hands crossed over the heart] and would DIE For her if he had to, but he HAD to defend himself." I didn't know what to say. I'm not sure I know what to say going into lunch this week.
Lady Friend suggested quoting Ghandi, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind," and asking the young women at what point the hitting has to stop. This may be the best strategy.
I understand that my white-middle-class-feminist lives in an entirely different world than these girls. As Sister-Friend reminded me, these young women do live in a world where defending black men against assaults by the press and popular opinion of white-folks has a long (and necessary) tradition. At the same time, it made my heart hurt a little to know they think that it is defensiable for anyone, male or female, to beat their intimate partner so severly. I guess that as I watched this entire situation unfold in the press, I assumed that all kinds of young women would jump to the defense of Rihanna... I guess I'm wrong about that assumption. I look forward to hearing more about the world from these young women.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
The Revolution Will Not Be Televised on Oscar Night
I'm not one of those television-hating people. I watch tv, and I absolutely enjoy shitty television as much as the next red blooded Amerikan. Certainly, I don't plan on planting my newborn in front of costumed singing televised dinosaurs for the first 12 years of its life, but I sure do love some Real Housewives hot drama....
However, as has been brought to my attention by numerous Wealthy Gays of My City, I have broken some cardinal rule of homosexuality by hosting a major nonprofit fundraiser on.... OSCAR NIGHT! Yes, it is true. My fancy-pants fundraiser, complete with burlesque, drag, free adult beverages, tons of food (including veg and vegan), and various other forms of merriment is on the sacred eve known as OSCAR NIGHT. By telephone, e-mail, facebook, and to my face, these Wealthy Gay of My City regret to inform me that they will be unable to attend this fundraising event because they "are going to stay home and watch THE OSCARS."
WTF? W.T.F. The vast majority of folks who are in the income bracket to afford tickets to this event certainly have DVR at home. If not, we are fortunate enough to live in a digital age in a digital country in which THE OSCARS will be available at the tips of our fingers on the interweb. Damn, folks could probably even watch THE OSCARS live! on their iPhones!
But, no, no... it appears the flashing lights of the Idiot Box are far more important that interacting with real live human people and helping to raise money to ensure our human rights. Do you truly want me to help protect your right to work or win the right for you to marry? Then, stop watching t.v. and attend (and/or fund) the revolution... it will not be televised on OSCAR NIGHT.
However, as has been brought to my attention by numerous Wealthy Gays of My City, I have broken some cardinal rule of homosexuality by hosting a major nonprofit fundraiser on.... OSCAR NIGHT! Yes, it is true. My fancy-pants fundraiser, complete with burlesque, drag, free adult beverages, tons of food (including veg and vegan), and various other forms of merriment is on the sacred eve known as OSCAR NIGHT. By telephone, e-mail, facebook, and to my face, these Wealthy Gay of My City regret to inform me that they will be unable to attend this fundraising event because they "are going to stay home and watch THE OSCARS."
WTF? W.T.F. The vast majority of folks who are in the income bracket to afford tickets to this event certainly have DVR at home. If not, we are fortunate enough to live in a digital age in a digital country in which THE OSCARS will be available at the tips of our fingers on the interweb. Damn, folks could probably even watch THE OSCARS live! on their iPhones!
But, no, no... it appears the flashing lights of the Idiot Box are far more important that interacting with real live human people and helping to raise money to ensure our human rights. Do you truly want me to help protect your right to work or win the right for you to marry? Then, stop watching t.v. and attend (and/or fund) the revolution... it will not be televised on OSCAR NIGHT.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
I Am 1 of 100,000
I signed up to be "1 of 100,000" (www.be1kc.org), a Campaign to get 100,000 adults invested in the lives of students in the Kansas City, Missouri public school district. The Campaign believes, that based on research, every child, including the 20,000 in KCMO schools, need 5 personal, caring relationships with adults to succeed in school and life. The Kansas City, MO school district has been plagued in recent years with all sorts of problems- budget shortfalls, a revolving door of superintendents, discord between teachers and the Board of Education, "failing" schools, violence, etc, etc. Much like in Atlanta, many white families and families-of-wealth send their children to private school in order to avoid the "terrible" public schools. This new campaign, envisioned and initiated by an amazing community organizer and school board member, aims to create relationships between students and adults in the community. This goal of this campaign is not only to support our young scholars and help them succeed, but also to build a critical mass of adult community members invested in the success of our school district. There are a variety of pre-established programs one can sign up with to mentor a student directly in the school.
Today I met my mentoree. I won't write much about her here, as I of course want to protect her privacy. However, it was fantastic! All week long I've been exclaiming to my household, "I'm soo excited to meet my MentorFriend!" I was a little bit nervous meeting my mentoree for the first time. Would we connect? Would she like me? Would she want to engage with me or was she signed up for the program because someone made her? What would be talk about? I had all the same worries and curiosities as if I was back in middle-school!
When I arrived at her school today, the Mentor Coordinator told me my Mentoree had been asking for a MentorFriend for months and was excited to meet me. We sat down for lunch together, and all my worries were put aside. She chatted nearly non-stop. Her family is very central in her life, so we talked about both having large families and missing our family members who live far away. She is incredibly thoughtful, friendly and talkative, and our half our lunch flew by. As I was getting ready to leave, she asked me several times if I would be coming back next week. Of course I will be coming back! I've made a commitment to you, and I'm in it for the long haul.
It's a simple thing to do- to sign-up to be a mentor. I look forward to getting to know this young woman better and learning what she has to teach, listening to what she has to say. And I'm thrilled to be able to say, I am 1 of 100,00!
Today I met my mentoree. I won't write much about her here, as I of course want to protect her privacy. However, it was fantastic! All week long I've been exclaiming to my household, "I'm soo excited to meet my MentorFriend!" I was a little bit nervous meeting my mentoree for the first time. Would we connect? Would she like me? Would she want to engage with me or was she signed up for the program because someone made her? What would be talk about? I had all the same worries and curiosities as if I was back in middle-school!
When I arrived at her school today, the Mentor Coordinator told me my Mentoree had been asking for a MentorFriend for months and was excited to meet me. We sat down for lunch together, and all my worries were put aside. She chatted nearly non-stop. Her family is very central in her life, so we talked about both having large families and missing our family members who live far away. She is incredibly thoughtful, friendly and talkative, and our half our lunch flew by. As I was getting ready to leave, she asked me several times if I would be coming back next week. Of course I will be coming back! I've made a commitment to you, and I'm in it for the long haul.
It's a simple thing to do- to sign-up to be a mentor. I look forward to getting to know this young woman better and learning what she has to teach, listening to what she has to say. And I'm thrilled to be able to say, I am 1 of 100,00!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Tasting the Life of a Work-From-Home Mom
So, I'm working from home these days. It's quite lovely and I find my productivity to be far better than when I was at my old office- which was cold, lonely (just me), and not very safe. However, yesterday and today I've tasted the life of a work-from-home mom. Though I do not have any children, our household does have The Dog.
The Dog nearly drove me over the edge yesterday. He was clingy, needy, loud, disobedient, under foot, and generally dreadfully ill-behaved. Nothing I did made The Dog happy. The Dog made trying to get all my work done nearly impossible. By the time Lady Friend got home from work, I wanted put The Dog in a play-pen and go cry in the garage (we don't have a play-pen or a garage, but you get the idea). When Lady Friend walked through the door, I immediately started to hem and haw about how terrible The Dog had been, what an awful and frustrating day it was. Out of my mouth popped "I don't know what is wrong with YOUR dog. He's just pushed every single one of my buttons today! YOU have to take care of him this evening. I'm done for the day!"
Then, last night, The Dog was crying and had a really hard stomach. Lady Friend rubbed his tummy until he fell asleep. I fell asleep with one hand on his abdomen so I could make sure he was still breathing, even though Lady Friend assured me he often gets an upset stomach and there's nothing to worry about.
Today, The Dog is lethargic, sad, crying a little, and just nibbling at his food, which is usually inhales in under one minute. He was able to, um, take his constitutional, but he is obviously still feeling lousy. All day long I have been getting up from work to open curtains and blinds and move a pallet of quilts around the house so The Dog can sleep in the sunlight, which he likes do to when feeling poorly. I've been lavishing him with love and feeling guilty I was so angry at him yesterday when, obviously, his poor behavior was the product of feeling awful.
So, this is a tiny, only semi-comparable experience of being a work-from-home mom. My deepest sympathies and love go out to all the Mothers and Fathers with small children, especially those Mothers and Fathers who work from home or are stay at home parents!
The Dog nearly drove me over the edge yesterday. He was clingy, needy, loud, disobedient, under foot, and generally dreadfully ill-behaved. Nothing I did made The Dog happy. The Dog made trying to get all my work done nearly impossible. By the time Lady Friend got home from work, I wanted put The Dog in a play-pen and go cry in the garage (we don't have a play-pen or a garage, but you get the idea). When Lady Friend walked through the door, I immediately started to hem and haw about how terrible The Dog had been, what an awful and frustrating day it was. Out of my mouth popped "I don't know what is wrong with YOUR dog. He's just pushed every single one of my buttons today! YOU have to take care of him this evening. I'm done for the day!"
Then, last night, The Dog was crying and had a really hard stomach. Lady Friend rubbed his tummy until he fell asleep. I fell asleep with one hand on his abdomen so I could make sure he was still breathing, even though Lady Friend assured me he often gets an upset stomach and there's nothing to worry about.
Today, The Dog is lethargic, sad, crying a little, and just nibbling at his food, which is usually inhales in under one minute. He was able to, um, take his constitutional, but he is obviously still feeling lousy. All day long I have been getting up from work to open curtains and blinds and move a pallet of quilts around the house so The Dog can sleep in the sunlight, which he likes do to when feeling poorly. I've been lavishing him with love and feeling guilty I was so angry at him yesterday when, obviously, his poor behavior was the product of feeling awful.
So, this is a tiny, only semi-comparable experience of being a work-from-home mom. My deepest sympathies and love go out to all the Mothers and Fathers with small children, especially those Mothers and Fathers who work from home or are stay at home parents!
Monday, January 12, 2009
Books I Read: 2008
In early January of 2008, I decided to keep a log of all the books I read in 2008. In addition to title and author, I wrote a few sentences about each book reminding myself of the plot and what I thought of the book. Mostly, this was a personal endeavor to remember books, as once a few weeks have passed, I often begin to jumble plots and characters. It was a year of good books. A year of heavy public library use. A year of browsing the library and friends' bookshelves with no particular direction. Ever since finally finishing grad school, after being in school for 18 straight years, I did enjoy disproportionate numbers of fiction and literary fiction titles- it was glorious. Some were re-reads, and some are written in the back of my little blank book under no specific month. I know a few are missing, as well; however, I cannot remember exactly which books are missing and what their plots were.
If you'd like more information about a specific title, my thoughts on a book, or would like to chat about something you've read from the list or something you think I should read in 2009, feel free to comment or e-mail. Though I aspire to Kristy's level of humility, I do feel somewhat proud that I surpassed the American average of less than two books read in a single year. Without further ado, Books I Read: 2008.
January
Walk On, Bright Boy (Charles Davis)
A Hatred for Tulips (Richard Lourie)
Up High in the Trees (Kiara Brinkman)
Every Past Thing (Pamela Thompson)
The Vine of Desire (Chiata Banerjee Divakaruni)
February
8 ball chicks (Gini Sikes)
Life on the Outside (Jennifer Gonnerman)
A World Apart: Women, Prison and Life Behind Bars (Cristina Rathbone)
March
Mozart's Sister (Rita Charbonnier)
Tomboy (Nina Bouraoui, translation)
April
Dragonfly Stories: Stories Celebrating The LGBT Community (J. Cascio, Ed)
Hers: Brilliant New Fiction by Lesbian Writers (Terry Wolverton, Ed)
May
The Perks of Being a Wallflower (Stephen Chbrosky)
Durable Goods (Elizabeth Berg)
June
The Story of Forgetting (Stefan Merrill Block)
Mercy (Lara Santoro)
Sarah's Key (Tatiana de Rosnay)
Mississippi Sissy (Kevin Sessums)
July
light fell (Evan Fallenberg)
The Beautiful Struggle (Ta-Nehisi Coates)
Girls on the Verge (Vendela Vida)
Map of Ireland (Stephanie Grant)
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal (Christopher Moore)
The Air Between Us (Deborah Johnson)
August
The Unexpected Child (Patricia Grossman)
Rose of No Man's Land (Michelle Tea)
Tea (Stacey D'erasmo)
A Seahorse Year (Stacey D'erasmo)
September
love poem to androgyny (stacey waite)
Bitches, Bimbos, & Ball Breakers: The Guerrilla Girls' Illustrated Guide to Female Stereotypes
Son for Night (Chris Abani)
The Passion of Alice (Stephanie Grant)
October/November
Night (Elie Wiesel)
The Stolen Child (Keith Donohue)
December
Falling Man (Don DeLillo)
a mercy (Toni Morrison)
Unknown Month
The Red Tent (Anita Diamont) (Summer?)
The Birth of Venus (Sarah Dunant) (Late winter?)
Pilate's Wife (Antoinette May) (Late spring/early summer?)
My Year of Meats (Ruth L. Ozeki) (Late winter?)
If you'd like more information about a specific title, my thoughts on a book, or would like to chat about something you've read from the list or something you think I should read in 2009, feel free to comment or e-mail. Though I aspire to Kristy's level of humility, I do feel somewhat proud that I surpassed the American average of less than two books read in a single year. Without further ado, Books I Read: 2008.
January
Walk On, Bright Boy (Charles Davis)
A Hatred for Tulips (Richard Lourie)
Up High in the Trees (Kiara Brinkman)
Every Past Thing (Pamela Thompson)
The Vine of Desire (Chiata Banerjee Divakaruni)
February
8 ball chicks (Gini Sikes)
Life on the Outside (Jennifer Gonnerman)
A World Apart: Women, Prison and Life Behind Bars (Cristina Rathbone)
March
Mozart's Sister (Rita Charbonnier)
Tomboy (Nina Bouraoui, translation)
April
Dragonfly Stories: Stories Celebrating The LGBT Community (J. Cascio, Ed)
Hers: Brilliant New Fiction by Lesbian Writers (Terry Wolverton, Ed)
May
The Perks of Being a Wallflower (Stephen Chbrosky)
Durable Goods (Elizabeth Berg)
June
The Story of Forgetting (Stefan Merrill Block)
Mercy (Lara Santoro)
Sarah's Key (Tatiana de Rosnay)
Mississippi Sissy (Kevin Sessums)
July
light fell (Evan Fallenberg)
The Beautiful Struggle (Ta-Nehisi Coates)
Girls on the Verge (Vendela Vida)
Map of Ireland (Stephanie Grant)
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal (Christopher Moore)
The Air Between Us (Deborah Johnson)
August
The Unexpected Child (Patricia Grossman)
Rose of No Man's Land (Michelle Tea)
Tea (Stacey D'erasmo)
A Seahorse Year (Stacey D'erasmo)
September
love poem to androgyny (stacey waite)
Bitches, Bimbos, & Ball Breakers: The Guerrilla Girls' Illustrated Guide to Female Stereotypes
Son for Night (Chris Abani)
The Passion of Alice (Stephanie Grant)
October/November
Night (Elie Wiesel)
The Stolen Child (Keith Donohue)
December
Falling Man (Don DeLillo)
a mercy (Toni Morrison)
Unknown Month
The Red Tent (Anita Diamont) (Summer?)
The Birth of Venus (Sarah Dunant) (Late winter?)
Pilate's Wife (Antoinette May) (Late spring/early summer?)
My Year of Meats (Ruth L. Ozeki) (Late winter?)
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
One Day Later: Snow Sucks
Seriously? The First Snow a week and a half ago was, indeed, lovely. Today, our second "real snow," is the most miserable tundra-esque, "don't forget the wrath of snow," day ever. Again, Southern loved ones, heed my call and never move north.
It was "supposed" to start snowing at Noon. Alas, it started snowing at 10:30am, and, at 3:30pm has yet to let up significantly. There is a reasonable amount of snow on the ground, maybe just a 1.5 or 2 inches; it is the lovely fluffy kind- not the wicked icy sort. The wind is gusting at 30-35 mph- this means the snow is falling in all directions and being blown off of roof tops, car tops, side walks, buildings ledges, the heads of school children as they walk home, and any surface that has any accumulation. I just went to dig my car out *for the 1st time*, as if it continues like this, it will be harder to dig out later. Again, my snow-nieve loved ones, the layer of snow on the car at night fall, when our temps will drop from 27 to 15, will turn into a solid sheet of ice. It is much harder to scrape the ice off your car than to brush off the snow. Thus, it is best to dig it out for the *final* time after the snow stops falling, so as not to wake up to an entombed vehicle.
Today in Hometown, Florida, it is 70-something, sunny, with a light breeze. The low tonight in Hometown is 61.
It was "supposed" to start snowing at Noon. Alas, it started snowing at 10:30am, and, at 3:30pm has yet to let up significantly. There is a reasonable amount of snow on the ground, maybe just a 1.5 or 2 inches; it is the lovely fluffy kind- not the wicked icy sort. The wind is gusting at 30-35 mph- this means the snow is falling in all directions and being blown off of roof tops, car tops, side walks, buildings ledges, the heads of school children as they walk home, and any surface that has any accumulation. I just went to dig my car out *for the 1st time*, as if it continues like this, it will be harder to dig out later. Again, my snow-nieve loved ones, the layer of snow on the car at night fall, when our temps will drop from 27 to 15, will turn into a solid sheet of ice. It is much harder to scrape the ice off your car than to brush off the snow. Thus, it is best to dig it out for the *final* time after the snow stops falling, so as not to wake up to an entombed vehicle.
Today in Hometown, Florida, it is 70-something, sunny, with a light breeze. The low tonight in Hometown is 61.
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